What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
