I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
