Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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