You can't motorboat a personality
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
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