i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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