420 ftw
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
