it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
