I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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