respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
try to milk me bitch
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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