The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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