Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
