he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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