The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
