I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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