life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
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