You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
