i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
