I'm laying in your front yard are you home
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
