So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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