I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I want her autograph on my taint
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
My liver is preforming stress tests.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
