I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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