You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
