what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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