I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
