OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
