awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Randomize
