if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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