I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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