im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
