She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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