so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
