We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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