he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
