i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
