He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Randomize