She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
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