My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
