if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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