She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
