Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
