i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
