areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
