Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
