Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
