yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i may or may not be watching the land before time
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
