So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
