And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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