it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
