before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
