dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
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