K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
