So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
