i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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