You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
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