Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
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