My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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