I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
