I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
