after a month anything with tits is on the radar
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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