i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
