he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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