She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
ok first of all what the fuck
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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