We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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